Take Your Top Off, Coco!

2006-10-16T07:59:00.000-07:00

Very Fine Birthday

So, this is the end of the longest birthday i've ever had. It was a pretty good one, thanks to the genius who came up with "a kiss for every year".

Armed with a clicker (counter) I went into the fray and mowed down the ladies (and a few gentlemen) with my sweet lips. That's just good fun. Thanks to all who took a bullet for my birthday. And to those who missed out, there's always next year. Or we can start early...

2006-09-26T08:36:00.000-07:00

Hipsters??!!

I'd say 90% of the people who say they "hate hipsters/scenesters" or "man, look at all the hipsters", ARE, in fact, hipsters. At least, by the loose definitions I've come across. I admit, I'm not exactly sure who the hipsters are. From what i've noticed, it's a lot like art or irony - most people can't define it, but they know it when they see it.

Does a guy with one of those fifties, James Dean-y, pomaded waves in his hair get to criticize the inordinate number of hipsters milling around. This doesn't make sense. They are the most self-hating group since fat people.

I'm not expressing a sympathy for said hipsters. Just a confusion over who they are. And why people, who seem to fit the description, seem to be the most fanatical critics. Interesting.....

2006-07-26T15:12:00.000-07:00

The Best Thing Ever to Happen to Me?

So, my car was stolen. Totally and completely stolen. It's gone and it's not coming back. I must say, I reacted quite well, considering. Within a couple of hours - after the cop with the Dragnet Theme ringtone (wonderful) and the very sympathetic insurance agent - I went the maybe-it's-for-the-best route. I've been meaning to buy a bike. I most definitely need to get more exersize. Gas is so damn expensive. Insurance, maintenance, environment, blah blah blah. Plus, as far as my extensive travels have taught me, Milwaukee is a pretty pedestrian-friendly town.

So, today I've started my new life as a Pedestrian. Now, as optimistic as I am right now - you all should expect L'il Cranky on occasion. Until I get used to my new, healthier persona.

2006-07-23T20:35:00.000-07:00

Here's the preview of the stuff I'll be showing on Gallery Night at the ArtBar here in Milwaukee. Wish me luck. If I do well I'm going to buy a bike. A Pink one.

2006-06-12T09:38:00.000-07:00

Book Binge

I have been drawing my ass off for this art fair coming up in a couple weeks. It's been good. I've produced a lot of stuff and I feel like I'm improving, etc. But, all other aspects of my life have suffered in the wake of my mad dash for success.

Yesterday, my friend Jeff called and demanded that I go buy books. He said that a friend had given him 4 books and he had started reading all of them at the same time. He decided I also needed to do this. So, he laid out 3 options:

The best option: I go out and get all 4 books and have read a bit of all of them before sleeping that night.

the 2nd to worst option: I get at least THE LOST SCRAPBOOK by Evan Dara and have read a bit of that before sleeping.

the Worst option (which he said would result in 48 days of silence) : Not having any of the books before I went to bed.

It was clear there was no room for failure. So, I decided to do it. It was an interesting challenge. I went to 5 bookshops in Milwaukee. None were near the others. It took a while. Milwaukee just didn't have any of these books. I checked the library database. They had one, which i requested. the others I ordered from Amazon. Though, in Jeff's eyes I failed, he was still proud that I was going to get the books.

While waiting for those REAL books to get to me, I started reading Amnesiascope by Steve Erickson and it's really really good.

Are any of you reading anything good?

2006-05-29T13:22:00.000-07:00

So Many Spoilers Ahead

I got a bit of a bad vibe about X-Men III before I went to see it today. There were a few nay-sayers out there, so I went in to the theater cautiously. My hopes not too high.

I don't know what movie these people saw, but the one I saw was phenomenal. So big. Sooo big. And so many mutants. So many. There was an army of them. Someone has been reading my diary. And talk about ballsy. They freakin' killed THREE of the main characters. And not brainlessly. They really made the story. I loved it.

I'm not even going to dip into my at-least-there-was-flying-and-lazerhands ideal. No need. It was a great, epic, bold story with terrific action and flying and lazerhands.

What do you people want?

2006-05-18T12:24:00.000-07:00

I have two and a half hours to kill. Usually, since I've started this new position back in February, I've had a lot to do everyday. I even got overtime at the beginning. But, this last week has been so slow. At first I was thankful. It was like the old days when I could whittle out on the porch and sip lemonade, but now I'm going a little nuts. I've organized my desk to near perfection. I've handled a whole selection of "things to do when it slows down". And I've thoroughly checked my email. It is as safe as the White House. I need more ways to kill time. I can't sleep. I can't really go anywhere.

Does anyone have some internet sites that they go to everyday? Something to kill time. Oh! I forgot about addictinggames.com. I'm off -

2006-05-08T20:33:00.000-07:00

My Money's on Art

Those of you in Milwaukee (if you're super cool) know about the Arts V.S. Crafts Fair. It's a huge collection of artists and DIY crafters setting up tables to peddle their wares. I've been to all of them and there is some really fantastic stuff. I just found out that my application was accepted, so I'll be behind the table this time around. This means that I've got a lot of work to do. It's in a month and a half, so I should get off the computer and start a-drawlin'.

2006-05-03T13:36:00.000-07:00

Here's a list of things I don't like at all:

- Spider webs. I have walked into at least a single strand every day for a week. I get so very mad.

- When I call 5 people in a row and none of them answer and I know full well that some of you are home. Bastards!

- Commas. My boss insists on flooding his letters and emails with inappropriately placed commas. I've tried to dissuade him, but he aint havin' it. He, loves, all those, commas. Not me I hate them.

- Buying gas.

- Boobies.

Here's one thing I like:

- When you wake up early in the morning, check the clock and realize that you still have two more hours before you have to get up. That's fucking delirious. I wish I always had two more hours.

2006-04-30T22:22:00.000-07:00

Masters of American Comics

I went to see the Masters of American Comics exhibit at the Milwaukee Art Museum today and I was blown away. It's a fantastic display of the original drawings and a few paintings of the big wigs of comics, from Winsor McCay and Will Eisner to Robert Crumb and Chris Ware.

Even more impressive, was that I managed to keep from buying anything at the exhibit's gift shop. Man, did I wanna! But, after laying down in the middle of the floor and weeping and pulling at my shirt - then, being asked to leave - I decided not to get anything just now.

Everyone should go. It just started this weekend in Milwaukee, so you have time.

2006-04-27T11:37:00.000-07:00

Sometimes This Would Happen

I used to be able to get drunk. And people seemed to enjoy it. But, no more. Now, I'm one of those people who mysteriously "don't drink". It's true. I don't drink. Not for any moral or addictive reason. It's mainly because I'm not very good at it.

The last couple of times that I was intent on getting my drink on, I got sick within the first half hour. This was usually followed by the need to throw up and take a shower (as the party went on without me) or by my needing to go to sleep. No more fun for me.

(by the way, you can't tell because of the blur, but someone has cleverly written "69" on my forehead.)

2006-04-18T13:06:00.000-07:00

Rodney Dangerfield-style

I'm going BACK TO SCHOOL. How weird is that? I'm 31 years old and will be attending a school with a herd of 18-22 year olds. Aside from the obvious voyeuristic challenges, I don't want to be one of the "annoying adult" students that I encountered in my first run at school. So, first of all, I will not be volunteering my "life experiences" during discussions. I will not incessantly ask irrelevant questions. And I will not correct the professor because I had this friend once who had this job and he always told me that when.....

Though, I hear that on your first day you should pick a fight with the biggest kid on campus to let everyone know you're not a chump. That's either for college or prison, but i assume it's good for both.

I have tentatively decided to major in Art and minor in Political Science. But, that may change within the hour. It's going to take me a while, since I'll only be able to take 2 classes per semester and it seems, with all my previous credits, I'm still only a Junior. But, I'm pretty excited about it. I'm gonna' be so smart. You'll see.

2006-03-30T21:40:00.000-08:00

Neko Case

I just came back from the Neko Case concert and it was super good. I suggest everyone check her out if you're not familiar. She's in the same genre as Gillian Welch or Patty Griffin. Plus, she was charming and goofy. She kept making up song titles based on nature shows she had just watched on tv. "This one's called The Shark Hunters!... not really." Adorable.

2006-03-25T22:45:00.000-08:00

PLEASE TO ASSIST

I'm getting postcards made up for my art blog site. i'm selling myself like a back alley whore.

So...

I need to come up with a little something for the back of it. A blurb. A log line. Something that inadequately sums up the site. So, I have a couple of mediocre ideas. If you could give me some feedback, that would be great. And if you have any ideas of your own, feel free to share. I can't pay you anything, understand.

How about:

www.kpollyart.blogspot.com - where drawings go to die - but, not in the bad way.

or

- drawings by the handsomest man in my neighborhood... on my side of the street.

or

- not recommended for children under 36.

or

- drawlings from a master drawler

what you got for me? i need assistance.

2006-03-12T19:13:00.000-08:00

Don't read this blog. It's boring.

My weekends have been flying by these days. I can't believe it. I know it's because my new position at work has been so time-consuming, but honestly! So, this weekend I tried to have as little fun as possible in an attempt to slow down time. "Time flies when you're having fun." So, the opposite should be true, too, right?

I sat in a hard chair in silence. Still the hours flew by. Then I jammed a fork into my foot. That turned out to be more fun than I imagined. I need three day weekends. I guess I should just be patient until the Jewish High Holidays. That's a lot of paid days off. I wonder if I get any days off for Passover. I can't remember how it worked last year. I should write these things down.

Also, how does Matt sleep at night knowing he has completely abandoned his blog. The blog is hungry and has a full diaper. Matt just sets it down and walks away.

2006-03-05T10:24:00.000-08:00

So, This is Interesting

I had to go in to work today for a couple of hours. While there, a fire broke out in one of the third floor bedrooms. An electric blanket caught on fire. Turns out the blanket was purchased at a rummage sale and already had burn marks on it, but the new owner decided that those small fires were out already, so no harm there. Also, the firefighters discovered there was a tank of Nitrous in the bedroom. When they asked the occupant about it he said, "Oh, it's fine. There was nothing in there." At which point the firefighter verbally wailed on the guy. The occupant clumsily tried to defend himself, failed, then apologized. Afterwords, every time he started to talk, someone made him stop.

Apparently, we all could have been blown up.

The moral, as it seems to me, is do NOT go into work on Sunday.

2006-02-20T07:25:00.000-08:00

Update

My current roomate is moving out today. I will miss her. I'm getting a new one next weekend. So, I guess what this means is that I will be naked for nearly a week straight. Not really. I don't have the appreciation of my personal naked freedom that most do.

I have sort of a new job. Same place, different Rabbi. It's good. A lot more work, but the days go by faster. I have my own office, with my own bathroom. The tub in it is filled with boxes of Purim brochures. Other than that, it's fully functional.

My website is going well. I've sold three drawings in the first two weeks or so. Maybe three.

I've grown wings out of my back. That's new. I can't fly yet, but people seemed to be more interested in me.

That's all for now. Seacrest Out!

2006-02-10T13:55:00.000-08:00

More of the Same

I hate to be a Sally Say-Again, but all I'm doing is drawing. So, I need you to visit my other blog for now. It has more pictures up. And many more to come. I'm in the zone, man!

www.kpollyart.blogspot.com

Other than that, I've got a new job at the same place. Working for the Big Rabbi now. Everyone's always been so afraid of him, but he's a really nice guy if you can deal with the frequent angry outbursts. But, that's just what it is, a "burst". It's quick. Then, back to business. I can handle that. Everyone was making it out to be like that movie "Swimming With Sharks".

He seems to like me, so it's working out fine. Plus, I can get a lot of overtime if i want.

So, what did everyone do today?

2006-02-07T11:27:00.000-08:00

RETRACTION

I have to apologize to Lauren Poopy-Pants Grellner for my last post. She was not intended to be included in the brief list of people who "done me wrong" regarding my website. She, in fact, made a valiant effort, but was crushed under the weight of financial blockades and overdue book fines. She did a lot to further my career and she should be lofted up and caressed by Jude Law.

2006-02-04T22:21:00.000-08:00

My Humble New Home

I have had some bad luck in my attempt to get my own website up and running. My first obstacle is that I don't know how. I realized that there were "others" that DID know how, so I came up with the brilliant idea of getting them to do it. Now, what I didn't realize was that most of the people who have the knowhow to make me a site, won't want to. Even the ones who are willing... well, they still won't do it.

Well, until I take steps to actually learn this crap, I've decided this place here would make a decent temporary home for me. So, I've started a new blog just for my drawings and the prostituting thereof. I would love it if you could link me. Tell your friends. Make a few posters and hang them off freeway overpasses. Etcetera.

So, everyone, I'd like to introduce you to a new friend of mine.....

http://kpollyart.blogspot.com/

Make him feel welcome.

2006-02-01T21:55:00.000-08:00

More of Me

Here are a couple more drawings. This is the kind of stuff I'm doing now. That last batch is SO 4 months ago.

http://www.headlikeababy.com/gallery/albums/userpics/10003/normal_image%202.jpg

and

http://www.headlikeababy.com/gallery/albums/userpics/10003/normal_Photograph.jpg

2006-01-18T08:22:00.000-08:00

Buy Art

(preferably from me)

If anyone is interested in purchasing any of these, let me know. I tried to load them on the page but no luck. so, these are the links to the pictures. I really need to bone up on my html skills.

http://www.headlikeababy.com/gallery/albums/userpics/10003/normal_kp%20pink%20undies.jpg

$35

http://www.headlikeababy.com/gallery/albums/userpics/10003/normal_kp%20xtian%20cook.jpg
$45
http://www.headlikeababy.com/gallery/albums/userpics/10003/normal_kp%20apple%20chick.jpg
$45
http://www.headlikeababy.com/gallery/albums/userpics/10003/normal_kp%20brit%20boy.jpg
$45

2006-01-16T07:30:00.000-08:00

Biting and Other Stories

You ever want to bite someone? Not necessarily in a malicious way, but bite them nonetheless.

I used to bite this girl regularly in high school. We didn't plan it out or anything, but it just turned out that I would bite her more often than others. Mainly on the shoulder. That part right before it becomes the neck. That was a good one. Also, the bicep, tricep and - the best of the best - the CALF. Oh, to bite the calf!

Unfortunately, it seemed like whenever I really started to get into it, they would say "ow". I know you're thinking that the 'ow' was why i was getting into it, but it wasn't.

I really didn't intend for this whole thing to be about biting....

Also, I'm getting a new roomate in a month and a half. And she's got good stuff. Computer and a stereo with big speakers and a cat and big brown couch. She's someone I've known for a while, but we're not super close. Mainly acquaintences. But, she seems very easy going. I think this may be the key to having a roomate. Someone you're not too close with and who has good mercandise. I'll let you know if I'm right.

The Golden Globes are tonight! I have absolutely no predictions. Except that Jamie Fox will win a write-in vote for STEALTH and his acceptance speech will be one of those sexy mid-song breakdowns. "Aww, girl. Thanks for this award, girl. How about we dip it in KY and shove it up my butthole. You heard me. Take off ya dress, but leave on ya shoes. Damn!"

2006-01-13T10:52:00.000-08:00

Attn: Passive Aggressives and Uncommunicatives

No one likes confrontation. It's so awkward and whatnot. And people feel good if someone else can figure out what they want or how they feel without having to actually verbalize it. That feels all nice in our insides. "They know me so well, " we squeal with delight. And there's the classic, 'maybe if I ignore it, it will just go away." That one is awesome. And it does work.

Here's the big HOWEVER...

If you indulge in the aforementioned sidesteps of civilized, adult interactions - YOU ARE A BAD PERSON. And should therefore be put on an island with a really cute monkey who will never love you.

If not a bad person, at least an incomplete one. Grow up! If you're annoyed, tell someone. If you want to be left alone, tell someone. If you have had your feelings hurt because you're a big baby and no has changed your diaper in seems like years, tell someone. We'll change it. No more poopy pants for you. I don't want to get all Oprah here, but if you fuckers would just learn to open your mouth, say something and stop being cowards - frigid, frigid cowards - the world would spin a little more smoothly.

I know. You're pointing the finger back at me right now. Well, for many years now I have enjoyed the freedom and clarity that comes with speaking your mind. (i hope that didn't sound to Scientology) It doesn't always come out perfect, but it is a much better choice than being an uncommunicative, bitter madtown. Actually, I still am pretty madtown. But, that's the fault of all others.

2006-01-12T07:47:00.000-08:00

A Few Points of Discussion

Ali, I think maybe you killed Matt. His blog has been dead for over a month now. I haven't heard from him in a while. I've never suspected you of being a killer before, but with this overwhelming evidence what choice do I have. I've called the police and informed them of the situation. I'm pretty sure they're making it top priority, because they hung up on me super fast. They're in a hurry to come catch you.

I'm frustrated, because I just wrote a whole paragraph and had to erase it because there is a slight chance certain mofos could read it. There is a chain that leads to this masterwork. It could be my undoing!

I've been doing some really great drawings. I have to get my website up this year. And then, I have to sell the drawings. And then... A Million Dollars! That's the rough plan.

Last night I waved my ass at a near-stranger and yelled, "what about my butthole?!" What did you do last night?

I have Ankelosing Spondylitis. I think that's what Stephen Hawking has. Just kidding. Stephen Hawking has a case of the crazies.

What about a comic book about a baby being left on my doorstep. The baby looks exactly like me, but in baby form. He's got a goatee and glasses and he's balding. This sounds good to me.

LOST is such a good show, but I kind of want it to end so I know all the things.

I also like to play BOGGLE.

I'm getting a new roomate in a month or so. She has a cat that's been described as "crazy" and "really vocal". Also, he's going to eat all my art pens. Strangely, I'm not too worried about it. My new roomate is pretty. That'll be nice. She's the girlfriend of a friend of mine, but I just like that I can look at her when i want. Even when she's sleeping.

What else?

What does everyone think about hookers? Honestly. Really think about it. Maybe it would make things easier for everyone. Personally, I think it's awful and sick. But, I'm not firm on this. i want to hear from you.

I know everyone says "i had the weirdest dream last night", but I really did. Do. I have weirder dreams than any of you.

Any Of You.

2006-01-05T11:19:00.000-08:00

Oh Six Oh Sucks

So far, so shitty. I'm going to send out embossed invitations to a K-Polly Pity Party. However... Come one, come all! This year is not starting out very well at all. New Year's was me and three married couples. Sure there was a cute puppy there, but that (for the first time) wasn't enough. I guess I had a good time. And someone there did give me an Atari 2600 with about 30 games, including Pac-Man and Frogger, but...

I don't want to get into specifics... but, I'm just bored and frustrated and my hands need to apply themselves gently to another person's person, etc. I need more money. I need more people in my life who don't make me want to throw them down stairs.

Etcetera...

And... SCENE!

2006-01-02T09:03:00.000-08:00

April Made Me Do It

7 Things to Do Before I Die:

- find a person who is willing to live with me until i'm dead... with kissing.
- ressurrect my youthful physical capabilities
- drive across country (cliche, I know)
- have more shows of various kinds
- feel i'm "good enough" at one thing
- be of use
- finish college

7 Things I Cannot Do:

- Run
- Move my neck like normal people
- Keep it to myself
- Play it cool
- Accept "but, they're nice" as enough of a reason to like someone.
- Enjoy olives
- Have babies using only my body

7 things that attract me to people:

- Humor
- Inappropriateness (to a degree)
- Sincerity
- People who are forthright and open
- Those who acknowledge their sexuality without shame or arrogance
- Intelligence
- Calm

7 Things I Say Most Often:

- Totally
- That's odd
- You are!
- I will NOT stop crying and I don't care whose house this is!
- something about me being handsome (I call it double reverse self-deprecation)
- Oh My God
- Them dogs look like Dingoes! (this is a relatively new one)

7 Books or Series I Love (in no particular order):

- Cat's Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut
- Secret History by Donna Tartt
- Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer
- Jude the Obscure by Thomas Hardy
- Days Without Stations by Steve Erickson
- Love in the Time of Cholera by G. Garcia Marquez
- Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World by Haruki Murakami

7 Movies I can watch over and over:

- Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
- The Warriors
- The Pillow Book
- The Blade Trilogy (the guiltiest pleasure i have not relating to my body)
- Rebel Without a Cause
- Animal Crackers
- Wet Hot American Summer

7 people I want to join in:

I don't exactly know what this means. If it means people I'd like to do this list thing, then everyone is the answer.

2005-12-27T07:19:00.000-08:00

A Bonafide Christmas Miracle

She's quitting. The woman in my office that has plagued me these many months is going. Away. I believe in Mira - Cooles. You sexy thing! Sexy thang, you!

Sure. They may hire another annoying, horrible person. But, this one will be gone.

2005-12-22T07:31:00.000-08:00

Oh, Girl. I'm Talking To Your Face, Girl.

I'm working on some lyrics for Jamie Fox's next album. Once you accept the fact that the best part of the song is not the singing, but the TALKING... then, you got something. The sexy breakdown directed right square at the ladies. Awwww yeeeahh.

Here's what I've been working on:

"Come on, angel girl. You wanna see my crib? What? Yeah, I got tequila. Aww, girl. You know I gots a big screen, too. We can watch reruns of WHAT'S HAPPENING on TVLand until it's time to get down to it."

"It's time, ladylady. It's that time when two people just know. They know what time it is. And the time is sooo so right. Don't look at your watch, girl. It's not that kind of time. It's a different kind of time. Not one that can be read on a watch. Break it down."

"Your eyes are freakin' me, girl lover. They can see into me. Into my soul. And my heart. And my boner."

"Oh. Oooooh. I want to lick Nutella off your sweet butt, mon cheri. This is the kind of shit you make me think of, girl. I hope my mama ain't listening, cuz I'm about to go off! Unh! Double it! Unh Unh!"

2005-12-06T13:07:00.000-08:00

Oh Holy Night

the accountant listens to a radio all day. not music though. somehow, through a kind of dullard witchcraft, she manages to get tv shows like THE VIEW and REGIS AND KELLY and, my personal favorite, DR PHIL. So, that's just annoying. However, she hasn't realized it yet, but a number of times now a Christmas song or two will loft out of the speakers. Let me remind you, that we work for Orthodox Jewish Rabbis. I don't even think they like to say the word "Christmas". I've heard them a number of times say "X-Mas" if they have to mention it at all. I'm just hoping one of the Rabbis is in here the next time it happens.

I'm a very very angry person.

2005-11-30T07:29:00.000-08:00

Happy Holidays.

Seriously, all I've been doing is reading and watching movies. It's sad. Oh. Occasionally, I squeeze in a nap. And, then, it's off to sell my plasma. But, I digress.

I saw this hysterical documentary about movie nerds called CINEMANIA. They're complete obsessive-compulsives. They're a bunch of Quentin Tarantinos without the good looks and charm. No matter how geeky you are about movies, these guys are soooo much worse. You should see it. And I saw THE COMEDIANS OF COMEDY. Four really fantastic stand-up comics go on tour to a bunch of small rock clubs (instead of comedy clubs) and they film the tour. I haven't laughed this hard in a while. Patton Oswalt, Maria Landford, Brian Posein (sp?), and, my favorite, Zach Galifianakis. I think you may only be able to get it through Netflix, but apparently it's also turned into a series on Showtime. I saw the new HARRY POTTER this weekend. It was magical. I'm have yet to catch Pottermania, but i like the movies well enough. I think this one may have been the best.

I read OF HUMAN BONDAGE, which was great. And now I'm reading BALLAD OF THE SAD CAFE AND OTHER STORIES by Carson McCullers. So far so good. I read THE HEART IS A LONLEY HUNTER last year and it's one of my favorite books now. Easily. I was half way through it when it became one of the dreaded OPRAH BOOKS. That was quite a pickle.

I'm on a reading binge now, and what i start doing in situations like this is I start thinking about what the next book will be before I'm done with my current book. That's not good. But, I've narrowed it down to these:

More Somerset Maugham
Thomas Hardy (i discovered that i liked him last year and he's so Sadtown. I love it)
H.P. Lovecraft
Mary Gaitskill (I haven't read her before, but i found a quote by her that makes me want to. "I think it's possible to love someone and want to piss in their mouth.")
"War of the Worlds"
or Yukio Mishima

I could read these or watch whatever Netflix brings me tomorrow. Or I could go out and see what the humans are up to. we'll see.

2005-11-16T09:45:00.000-08:00

List-O-Rama

It's time to reveal my obsession with lists now. I've been reading a lot and, though I'm not finished with several books I'm plodding through, I need more. So, you should all give me a list of five or so of your favorite books. Or authors. Whatever. And I need to read more non-fiction, so make a list of fiction and a separate list of non-fiction. Please do this. I've got 5 more hours to kill....

2005-11-16T09:34:00.000-08:00

SERIOUSLY.

"I asked the Rabbi for a stamp. Man, I don't mind asking for it, but he always wants to know my business. It's my business who I'm sending a letter too."

"Well, I told him I like sardines. So, he knows my business." (hysterical laughter)

WHAT THE FUCK!?

2005-11-09T08:15:00.000-08:00

"Bang. Zoom. Pow."

"Ooooh. Look at that! Isn't that saaa-weet!"
"Pow!"
"Oh, that's good. That's good!"

(shrieking) (laughing)

What's happening? Not sex. Not a sports event. But, in fact, checking the bank balances. This is what I deal with every day. It's particularing bad today. She's got an audience. The most stoic person in the world is sitting next to her, so I guess she feels she has to kick it up a notch for her sake. She is actually making monkey noises. If you were outside this office and heard this, you would say, "someone's making monkey noises." How does this happen? And why?

I need to tape record this.

p.s. every time she laughs i feel like i'm getting shot in the ear.

2005-11-07T14:02:00.000-08:00

Reading All Up Into It

a girl checks her email in South America. Her mother is visiting her. The girl shows her mother an email sent to her by a close male acquaintence, whom she's kissed. A lot. She reads the letter to her mother, because she thinks it's funny. Her mother emphatically agrees. Her mother is impressed and "can't believe how multi-talented" the gentlemen is.

This girl likes him, right?

I mean, she also writes him a lot of emails saying how much she misses him and can't wait to see him.

She likes me, right? I mean, him.

2005-11-03T08:37:00.000-08:00

MADLIBS Saved My Life Tonight

You can all help me get over a drawing block. fill in the blanks below and i'll pick the best ones to help me think of something to draw. later i'll post the drawing, on the condition that it doesn't stink up the joint.

Man or Woman or Animal ______________
Piece of Fruit ____________________
First thing you do in the morning ___________________
What were you doing ten minutes ago___________________
favorite quote_______________________________
favorite tool _______________________________
embarrassing moment ___________________________
the man in the stands says __________________________
item of clothing __________________________________
something ridiculous ______________________________
slightly more so _________________________________
when were you born _____________________________
strange hobby __________________________________
three animals ________________________________
three items you use often _____________________________
what's your most exaggerated feature ___________________
what's your best feature ______________________________
funny medical affliction _______________________________
special talents _________________________________
if you had to amputate something ______________________
something overheard ______________________________

come on. do this. i'll be your best friend.

2005-10-31T13:49:00.000-08:00

Do You Believe in Crazy?

"Do you believe... that when you sleepin' at night, your soul travels... and god works on your soul while you sleep?" No response. " Do you believe that?"

This is what Dwight the Handyman just asked me. It may sounds like something discussed amidst a sea of philosophical wonderings. But, it wasn't. This questions was asked only seconds after I asked him if he was going to the bank today. Apparently, the bank has some spiritual overtones for Dwight that could provoke such insane questions.

He continued by asking how do we feel after a night of sleep? Further explaining, "after a day of trials and tribulations." Both Linda and I explained that it varies. Our answers gave Dwight a triumphant expression. "You know why that is?... Cuz we ain't perfect."

Seriously. Even in the world of religious hoo haa, that series of sentences made no sense at all.

2005-10-31T12:02:00.000-08:00

Little Shits

My bosses children loiter around the house we work in. They are the worst-behaved children I've ever come across. It's mind-boggling. You'd think anyone Orthodox would be particularly strict with their children, but not so. One is 6, the other 8. They whine. I know all kids whine, but these kids do some sort of exaggerated, performance art whining. Olympic level whining. And when they're yelling at their father while he's on the phone to the point where most parents would be tempted to throw the kid down a well, my boss just ignores them until he's done. There's no reprimanding them afterwards, either.

Right now one of the little animals is in here asking me insightful questions such as, "why do you work here?" and "why are you fat?" and "why are you aiming that stapler at me?"

One time the younger one looked intently at the window and just started running at full speed toward it. I completely expected him to just burst through the window. And I had no intention of stopping him.

She yells at me over and over to Look! Look! at the computer screen. It's blank. There's nothing to look at you little freakshow.

You'd think this would make me NOT want to have kids of my own, but it doesn't. It just makes me want to harm these two.

2005-10-28T08:31:00.000-07:00

The Morning Agenda

There are a couple of items that I would like to address this morning.

First of all: More office monkeyshines. I've realized that Linda (the infamous accountant) is very very much like David Brent in The Office. It hit me like a ton of bricks. The same cluelessness and an undeserved sense of confidence. Thinks she's extremely funny. But, no. Also, Dwight the handyman is telling us that everyone used to tell him "when he was coming up" that he could have been a comedian. He's a sweet man, but, again, no. He frequently goes into Baptist rants about how Jesus has a plan. Did I mention that I work in a Synagogue? It makes me nervous.

Today, Linda is bragging about losing 1 pound. A single pound. Now, she's talking about when she tries to lose weight it's not hard, because she's so strict with herself. IT'S ONE POUND. She probably just took her shoes off!

2nd or B:

Ali. You yelled at me. I know you love the blogs. Who can blame you? I'm incredibly charming, but let's not get out of hand. Matt might hear you and he'll get jealous. Again! It could be very uncomfortable for everyone.

Did I mention I finally saw the Prevacid ad? I was on the toilet at a friend's house and I picked up a magazine and there you were. I immediately closed it, though, because sometimes I wonder if there are microscopic surviellance cameras in photographs that can look at me while I'm looking at them. Better safe than sorry.

3rd:

I have a new roomate. Her name is Molly and she is a human being. Which is a wonderful step up from the stain I used to live with. No more pet clumps of hair on the bathtub that he pains to part with. No more stacks of newspapers. I'm talking years worth. Serial killer style. No more rocking back and forth in his chair while talking to characters on television. No more wondering when he'll snap and give me the lovin' knife in the middle of the night.

The End

2005-10-21T07:52:00.000-07:00

Careless Whispers

Oh my god! My co-worker is on the phone (i think with her son) and she's whispering to no avail. I can hear her clear as a bell. So far I've heard this, "that's why it's sometimes fun to go to the bars to get the attention from the lonely men" and this, "i'm on the freakin' rag". These are the things she chooses to whisper. But, the I-Love-You-Too's to her husband 24 times a day (that's roughly 6 I-Love-You-Too's per call) are spoken in full voice.

This is a 50 year old trashalicious Wisconsonite, with the voice of a female stand-up comic who walks like an amateur transvestite. I could walk better in heels than she can. (Granted, I've had more practice... But, that's neither here nor there) I'm repulsed by the love she feels for others. That's what I'm saying.

She mentioned getting her own office yesterday. I wonder if my huge, physics-defying grin gave me away.

2005-10-20T12:10:00.000-07:00

Me for Mayor

What if I were mayor? That really couldn't be so hard. Hip young fella like me. I'd get the Emo vote and the Scenester vote probably. That's like 12 votes right there! I could work the D&D vote a little. On the down low, of course. I'm going to do it. Possibly.

2005-10-19T13:47:00.000-07:00

Seriously, Target, Yer SOOO Sweet!

Great news everyone. We can shop at Target again. I got an e-mail from them saying they do not allow their pharms to keep meds from peeps. Which is great, because I really need to get a shower rod from the Isaac Mizrahi collection. Oh And because of the inalienable freedoms of blah blah blah.

p.s. Matt is so jealous that I'm saving the world like a goddamn super hero! Like Aquaman, mutha fucka! Uhn!

2005-10-18T09:38:00.000-07:00

Don't Make Me Boycott Target

I like Target a lot. They've got really soft blankets that match the color scheme in my room. And nice shower curtains. Please, Target, don't let one little hillbilly ruin my interior decorating plans.

Long story short: This redneck lady in Missouri (i'm so proud) wouldn't give some girl her emergency birth control because of Jesus or some nonsense. The girl who made the sweet sweet careless love had a legitimate prescription from a real doctor (not just some guy whose nickname is Doc) and the pharmabitch wouldn't fill it.

Now, I'm forced to burden you all with a LINK to sign a petition to have the pharmacist executed by firing squad. I'm sorry on behalf of her. But, I really think everyone should sign this petition, so pharmacists (at least at Target) won't be allowed to refuse drugs based on their personal, and completely ancient, beliefs.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Jones. I can't fill your anti-fungal creme. Jupiter, the King of all Gods, says nuhn-uhn! As it is written, so shall it be."

http://www.ppaction.org/campaign/fillmypillsnow_target?rk=kpAHxO61HmQfE

Just do it. It'll take 5 minutes, if you can't type fast.

2005-10-12T12:35:00.000-07:00

If You Love Me, Don't Call Me Pollard

It's my birthday. If you're happy that I was born please say so. You don't need to "speak" it. Just make a statement of love by giving me things. Like Extreme said so well, "More than words, is all you really..." blah blah blah... something about having sex with me and shuttin' up.

I went to the hypnotherapy guy today. I have another longer session next week. It wasn't what i expected but so far I don't want to listen to soft rock or play charades. OR.... Eat until I'm sick. I told him to put a spell on me, or whatever it is that he does, so I won't have overwhelming cravings for so much junk food. Now, I'm one salad-eating mother fucker! Hard to say if it's working or not. I do not have any bad urges yet, but it's only been a couple of hours. And I did eat some little chocolate donuts right before my appointment. So...

The great thing he did was before the actual hypnosis. It was some trick where I had positive thoughts and he couldn't beat me arm wrestling, then I had negative ones and he did beat me. Something like that. Also, I think while I was under he did it with me.

2005-10-11T12:18:00.000-07:00

Meeting of the Minds

Here is a conversation that happened two minutes ago:

Man: Well, that should do it.

Woman: Marvy!

Man: Marvin Gardens?

Woman: That, too.
(pause)

Man: Monopoly...

Woman: Yeah.

Start feeling sorry for me.... NOW!

2005-10-10T09:18:00.000-07:00

Hubbard: The Sweet Crazy Maker

I was just perusing the Church of Scientology website, as is my wont. They discuss the levels of tone that they achieve through positivism, etc. They sometimes use a machine called the Electropsychometer, which is the best name for a crazy-makin' machine. I'd really love to get my hands on one. I'll check ebay. I would like to see the machine take off as a recreational tool. Instead of hiding in the basement with a tiny bag of weed and a lava lamp, we can hook ourselves up to the EPM and make some real Crazy. And listen to Pink Floyd.

I noticed they make the website look very clinical and pristine. Yet, they don't mention the part about how aliens left toxins in our bodies millions of years ago and now we have to rid ourselves of those toxins before we die, so we can fight the intergalactic overlord. If it were me, I guess I'd leave that part out, too.

2005-10-07T13:11:00.000-07:00

What's My Malady?!

On my upcoming birthday, I'm giving myself a weird little treat. I'm going to get hypnotized. A medical doctor who specializes in hypnotherapy is going to "put me under" and psychologically extract certain urges that I can't seem to control on my own. I have big hope, but I'm realisitic. Some people aren't "suggestible" as the doctor puts it. Either way, it'll be an interesting experience.

Now, let's play Guess My Out of Control Urges!!

I'll give you a hint, it's not little boys. And it's not obsessive cleanliness. And it's not monkey love. What could it be?!

2005-10-07T08:12:00.000-07:00

The Worst Band in the History of the World

POISON. (You thought I was going to say Hoobastank) Everyone knows they're an awful band, but some still harbor some nostalgic affection for them. I completely understand nostalgic affection. I own Slippery When Wet on cd. I bought the Real Genius dvd. But, upon recent listenings to Poison (played by the famed accountant in my office) I can't imagine worse music in that particular genre.

I know. Every Rose Has Its Thorn is something you slow-danced or pinky-skated to in middle school, blah blah blah. But, what do you have to say to Unskinny Bop? UN-Skinny BOP! Nowhere in the song do they even explain what or who is an Unskinny Bop. I tried to just figure it out. Unskinny = Fat. Bop? This could mean a couple of things.

1. a blow or punch

2. a dance or rythmic movement to music

or

3. the law enforcement agency of the Justice Department that operates a nation-wide system of prisons and detention facilities to incarcerate inmates sentenced to imprisonment for federal crimes

If Bop refers to number three I promise to reevaluate the credibility of the song.

2005-10-06T09:06:00.000-07:00

Hooba - STINK! Get it?

Here is something the accountant just said to me:

"Do you follow this band? Hoobastank." (I guess she forgot about the three other times she's mentioned this band. And the time I told her they were awful.)

"No."

"What I don't get is how a band has all these songs on the radio, but they're playing, like, state fairs and stuff. I mean, if I had waited a little longer I coulda walked up and met them. (Huh. I don't know how they got the prestige of a state fair.) If you went to a Rolling Stones concert you wouldn't be able to do that."

Yes. You read it correctly. She compared the personal accessability of HOOBASTANK to the goddamn Rolling Stones. She is confounded by why you'd be able to shake hands with the likes of Hoobastank, but not those old Stones guys.

I mentioned that Hoobastank aren't exactly in league with the Stones and she fell silent. No doubt cursing me in her mind. "How dare you speak foul of Hoobastank, Lords of Musical Crappery! You will rue the day you sullied their name! Rue the Day!"

At least I now know how to shut her up.

2005-10-06T08:11:00.000-07:00

Judge Jeff

I'm not the MOST politically informed person you'll ever meet. I mean, there's George Stephanopoulos for example. He knows more than I. And that guy with the bow tie. Really, any guy with a bow tie, I'm sure. But, I do read the papers and I've learned a thing or two. Here's something:

If you happen to be someone who is in charge of a giant nation, here's something funny you can do. When that nation is waiting for you to appoint someone of great intelligence and experience to an integral position in your government, you go up there in front of everyone and with a totally straight face tell them you're giving it to your buddy, Jeff. Don't even give a last name. Just say, "Yeah, I pick Jeff."

"But, sir, what experience does Jeff have?"

"Huh? Oh. One time me and Jeff were doing beer bongs off the balcony of this frat house and he started puking his guts out... INTO THE BEER BONG! Oh man, I coulda' killed him. But, it was freakin' hilarious."

"Sir, how does that help in - "

"And he played some college ball."

2005-09-28T09:52:00.000-07:00

Let me hear your body talk

The next time you are in a conversation with an acquaintence I want you to take time to notice their body language. Are they looking around them as you talk? Are they avoiding your eyes as if they might contract pink eye just from looking? Do they walk away from you in the middle of a sentence?! Come on! Save some face and just stop talking!

There are a disturbing number of you that do not know when someone is UNINTERESTED! And it's all in the body language. Sometimes it's outright verbal language and it's still not sinking in. Take time to notice.

If you ask a co-worker at the desk 4 feet from yours if you like motorcycles and they say "no", the next step is NOT to tell them that "if they're good you'll bring your HD on Friday". (HD, of course - Harley Davidson. But, why would you say that when you can just say HD.)

If you are 48 years old and you ask your co-worker at the desk 4 feet from yours if they like Hoobastank and they pretend not to hear you and immediately pick up the phone to call friends and tell them what you just said... the next step is NOT to tell that co-worker over and over again how your kids think you're so cool because you're going to a Hoobastank concert.

If you spend 20% of your day exclaiming things like "oh how about that?!" and "Cardboard boxes? Isn't that exciting?!" to the co-worker at the desk 4 feet away from yours and they throw a stapler at you, the next step is to stop talking forever.

And ever.